I'm Not Worthy

At the end of the 2006-2007 long track skating season, at the Masters World Allrounds in Calgary, I skated a Personal Best 3K--4:57.57, my first sub-5:00 3K.  Shortly after that PB, I realized that the qualifying time to skate the US National Championships--the same event that, every four years, becomes the long track Olympic Trials--was just five seconds faster than that, at 4:52.  So--holding my breath to see whether he'd laugh--I mentioned to Coach TieGuy that perhaps my goal for the 2007-2008 season should be to skate the US Championships.  When he didn't laugh but said he thought it was doable, I spent all spring and summer of 2007 training to make the qualifying time.  I flew to Calgary in August (after not having skated long track ice for over five months) to attempt to make the time. I had two shots at it.  My first 3K was too slow by one second; in my second attempt, a day later, I made the qualifying time by .72 seconds.

So I happily called home and told hubby and sister and parents and coach that I'd made the qualifying time and would be skating the US Championships in Salt Lake City come late December.

And then I promptly started freaking out.

This was The US Championships.  Olympians would be skating, as would the National Team. Sure, there would be others like me; those too young or too old or just plain too slow to be competitive, those for whom the thrill was just being there.  So I wouldn't be the only one who had barely made the qualifying time and who was clearly not in contention for anything except avoiding last place--but I still couldn't shake a very pervasive and persistent feeling of "I'm not worthy."

There is, of course, a reason I bring this up.

Yesterday, in my inbox, I got an official invitation to the Granite Games Masters Sectionals (for those of you who haven't been keeping up, it's a CrossFit competition).  It came as no surprise; I knew that the top 25 women in the Masters 50+ category would be invited to compete in the Sectionals once the Online Qualifier was done, and since there were only 18 women actually signed up in the 50+ category, it didn't take a lot of brain power to realize that I'd be invited.  So I expected the email.

What I didn't expect, when I began the online process of accepting the invitation, was the immediate resurgence of the "I'm not worthy" feeling.

Not feeling particularly worthy here, either...

True, I hadn't finished last of the 18 (I ended up tied for tenth).  And I had surprised myself a few times in the Qualifier workouts, most notably with the clean and jerks and the pullups.  Still, I couldn't--and can't--shake the feeling that I'm really not good enough to be doing the Sectionals and, with any luck, possibly going on to the Granite Games.  I mean, those are for people (like the two SISU coaches and three other SISU athletes who qualified for Sectionals) who can actually do this stuff--and do it well.

Me?  I certainly, quite often, don't feel I like I can actually do this stuff, and in fact I still often have days where I feel that I, in some ways, suck at CrossFit.  True, there are moments like the one this morning when I realized, at the end of the WOD, that I had just done 54 power snatches at 70 lbs--which was my one rep max just two weeks ago.  Unfortunately, these moments are nicely balanced by times like 10 minutes earlier than the snatches this morning, when I proved to myself yet again that I am completely incapable of doing a handstand pushup.

Despite my continued lack of ability to perform some of the standard CrossFit movements, I'm not worried about embarrassing myself.  That would only happen if I didn't do my best; if I did the WOD's half-assed.  And that won't happen--believe me, I've worked too hard on this ass to only use half of it! (Yes, that's a "skater butt" joke.  I believe I'm entitled to make them now and then.)  I'm just afraid that my best effort will be, well, somewhat out of place with everyone else's best efforts.

So now is a really good time to remind myself of how my 2007 US Long Track Championships went.  Yes, I went to the meet, and the Hubster and Coach TieGuy went with me.

Coach TieGuy explains something to me, post-race

 I wasn't last and I skated PB's (Personal Bests) in 4 of the 5 distances.  And now, almost seven years later, that meet remains one of my best memories from all of the skating events I've done.  My friend Andrew made a video of the meet, and although I've posted the link to it before it's worth repeating...2007 USA Long Track Allaround Championships.  Yes, the guy in the tie is, of course, Coach TieGuy, and when you see him, towards the end of the video, skating backwards (in full suit and tie) and apparently exhorting a rather stiff, upright skater in black and blue to "for God's sake, glide," well, I am, of course, the skater in blue.  And although I cringe a bit every time I see that video because my technique is so bad, so out of place...I also, every time I hear the opening notes of Andrew's chosen soundtrack, "Sweet Child O' Mine,"  can't help but pause for a moment, and smile, and relive a bit of that weekend again...and be very grateful that I didn't let my feelings of unworthiness stand in the way of my having one of the coolest experiences of my athletic life.

So this weekend, when I tackle the four Sectionals WODs, don't be surprised--especially if the WOD contains an "I can't do it" movement like Toes 2 Bar or Handstand Pushups--to see me hum a few bars of "Sweet Child O' Mine" before I chalk up, approach the bar and, for better or for worse, give the WOD my best whole-assed effort.